sierra picture

My roommate took this picture of me on the first day of school this year. This girl was happy, eager to expand her knowledge in her courses. I am still this girl.

For the past few days, I have felt both physically and emotionally drained. Overwhelmed, as many of us are, my exhaustion has consumed my motivation, leaving me uninspired.

As someone wishing to pursue a career in creative writing, this has bothered me very much. My inability to sip on a coffee and interact with my readers at ease has become temporarily compromised.

In order to take a stand, I must take a step back. I have opened up to you before, and today I will do so again.

Burrowing deep within my skin, itching for entropy, an insect resides. Now that I have allowed such anguish to infest my body, I am struggling to reassert my dominance. This faceless invader, though foreign, feels rather familiar. I have fallen victim to this very ailment before. Like a common cold, this disease has left my body aching for attention, for resolution. However, there is no solution to an impossible question, questioning everything slowly and then all at once. I know I have developed the immunity to reestablish my authority, but my heart beats unsteady for just a moment. For a single moment, my body is no longer mine. Manipulative and oh so quiet, the darkness begins to spread.

October has been a busy month for me. Many nights I have fallen asleep with a textbook at my bedside, still feeling unprepared. I have been aware of assignments but carried out minimal effort to complete them. A lack of interest in my scheduled courses has distanced me from the responsibilities I possess.

Unfortunately, stress remains constant. Some days louder and more visible than others. Although I have always taken pride in my grades and exerted my efforts with integrity, I have come to a simple conclusion: I do not want a 4.0. I am not striving to be a become a better test taker, but a better friend, a better human being. I do not seek the validation of a pen mark scribbled on the top of a scan-tron. You know what I do want?

-I want to drive around with my friends with no particular destination

-To watch a movie and not remember what happened because the laughter in the room muffled the voices on the screen

- I want to nurture my body and grow stronger while not punishing myself for indulgence and rest

-I want to find contentment in being alone

-I want to be nervous on account of curiosity, not fear

- I want to be held tightly by warm and caring arms with no alarm clock to set

- I want to be in control again.

And I will be.

​SIERRA HOBSON is a blogger for Videtteonline.com. Contact her at srhobso@ilstu.edu. Follow her on twitter @hobson_sierra.

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